Alien: Covenant

2017 sci fi horror directed by Ridley Scott and starring Michael Fassbender, Katherine Waterston, Billy Crudup, Danny McBride, Demian Bichir, Carmen Ejogo, Amy Seimetz, Callie Hernandez, and Jussie Smollett.   In terms of franchise timeline, this takes place between the events of Prometheus and Alien.  Minor spoilers ahead.

 The colonization ship Covenant is en route to populate a remote planet when it’s damaged by a neutrino burst, which forces its crew out of stasis to repair it.  During the repairs they intercept a signal of a John Denver song (seriously) coming from another nearby planet, which they decide to investigate.  Because they’re geniuses they send all but three crew members on the recon, none of them wearing any sort of garb that might protect them from the dangers of the planet, like unknown flora and fauna that might totally fuck with their biology.  Even though they’ve already lost a crew member by this point and should all be on the highest of alerts.  Even though they have an android they could send with one pilot to minimize loss of life.

 

 On the new planet they encounter David (Fassbender) an android who is an earlier model of their own android Walter.  Turns out he’s been there for a decade (since Prometheus) just twiddling his thumbs and playing God.  The crew realizes they are totally boned and attempt to return to their ship.

The good:  a diverse cast who acted their asses off.  I was really impressed with McBride and Waterston in particular.  And it ties together the prequel and the rest of the franchise so theoretically it’s finally done.  Right?

Other than that I ultimately just wanted it to be Alien.  I would have strongly preferred less special effects and more practical effects.  I loved the casting but it’s hard to hold a candle to Weaver, Skerritt, Cartwright, Stanton, Hurt, Holm, Kotto, and Badejo.  I cared less about the story of the alien’s origin and more about the action.  I wanted it to be scarier.

If you go in with fairly low expectations I think you’ll be pleased.  I would put it on par with Prometheus, so if you enjoyed that then give this a shot.

Two with KBecks

Underworld: Blood Wars:  2016 action horror (?) continuation of the franchise (please make it stop) directed by Anna Foerster and starring Kate Beckinsale, Theo James, Lara Pulver, Tobias Menzies, Bradley James, and Charles Dance.  Selena (KBecks) is still on the run because the vampires and lycans all want her blood to start a Super Immortal Hybrid Race.  Or something.  Selena is brought before the Eastern Coven supposedly to train their Death Dealers in an effort to ensure their survival in the ongoing war with the lycan clans.  She’s betrayed, she goes into hiding AGAIN with the Nordic Coven, Thomas (James) finds out he’s the true heir to the East, there are magical naps that give you blonde highlights, it’s a whole thing.

            I just need this to be over.  I absolutely love the first movie, and it’s been a depressing slide into mediocrity ever since.   At this point the franchise is either removing unpopular characters altogether, like Selena’s hybrid daughter Eve, or replacing much beloved characters who have died/actors who have refused to return to the series.  But Thomas is not Michael, and Marius is not Lucian.  Semira (Pulver) is a serviceable villain, and Varga (James) has an interesting character arc all things considered.  But desperately clinging to the few shreds of good made it a bummer to watch.

The Disappointments Room:  2016 horror (really though?) directed by D.J. Caruso and starring Kate Beckinsale, Mel Raido, Duncan Joiner, Lucas Till, and Gerald McRaney.  Dana (KBecks), David (Raido), and their son Ben (Till) have purchased a run-down mansion in East Jesus Nowhere, hoping that a fixer-upper project will distract them from the death of their daughter.  Dana finds a “disappointments room,” where the first owners of the house hid their disfigured child from the public.  Dana sees ghosts but also is maybe crazy, Major Dad kills her cat and the neighbor boy but maybe she’s just seeing things, and also Angela from Bones is there.

            It wasn’t scary; it was lazy and obvious.  At one point there is a subtle reference to Poltergeist that I thought was slightly clever – and then they went ahead and made a literal reference to Poltergeist and I laughed out loud.  The actors all do fine with the material they’re given, but it all adds up to nothing.  Definitely skip it.