Underworld: Blood Wars:
2016 action horror (?) continuation of the franchise (please make it
stop) directed by Anna Foerster and starring Kate Beckinsale, Theo James, Lara
Pulver, Tobias Menzies, Bradley James, and Charles Dance. Selena (KBecks) is still on the run because
the vampires and lycans all want her blood to start a Super Immortal Hybrid
Race. Or something. Selena is brought before the Eastern Coven supposedly
to train their Death Dealers in an effort to ensure their survival in the ongoing
war with the lycan clans. She’s
betrayed, she goes into hiding AGAIN with the Nordic Coven, Thomas (James)
finds out he’s the true heir to the East, there are magical naps that give you
blonde highlights, it’s a whole thing.
I just need
this to be over. I absolutely love the
first movie, and it’s been a depressing slide into mediocrity ever since. At this point the franchise is either
removing unpopular characters altogether, like Selena’s hybrid daughter Eve, or
replacing much beloved characters who have died/actors who have refused to
return to the series. But Thomas is not
Michael, and Marius is not Lucian.
Semira (Pulver) is a serviceable villain, and Varga (James) has an
interesting character arc all things considered. But desperately clinging to the few shreds of
good made it a bummer to watch.
The Disappointments Room:
2016 horror (really though?) directed by D.J. Caruso and starring Kate
Beckinsale, Mel Raido, Duncan Joiner, Lucas Till, and Gerald McRaney. Dana (KBecks), David (Raido), and their son
Ben (Till) have purchased a run-down mansion in East Jesus Nowhere, hoping that
a fixer-upper project will distract them from the death of their daughter. Dana finds a “disappointments room,” where
the first owners of the house hid their disfigured child from the public. Dana sees ghosts but also is maybe crazy,
Major Dad kills her cat and the neighbor boy but maybe she’s just seeing
things, and also Angela from Bones is there.
It
wasn’t scary; it was lazy and obvious.
At one point there is a subtle reference to Poltergeist that I thought was slightly clever – and then they went
ahead and made a literal reference to Poltergeist
and I laughed out loud. The actors all
do fine with the material they’re given, but it all adds up to nothing. Definitely skip it.
