AFI 100 Movies: The Worst of

And now the worst.  Just don’t bother.  You’ll thank me.

Shane:  1953 George Stevens western with Alan Ladd, Jean Arthur, and Van Heflin.  Booooooriiiiiiiiing.  The scenery is beautiful, Jack Palance is a total badass, that kid is obnoxious, and the rest of the cast couldn’t act their way out of a paper bag.  Snoozefest.





Wuthering Heights:  1939 William Wyler with Laurence Olivier and Merle Oberon (isn’t that name awesome?).  2009 PBS Masterpiece Classic version starring Tom Hardy and Charlotte Riley:  see that instead.

Heathcliffe as portrayed by Tom "Pillow Lips" Hardy

Platoon:  1986 Oliver Stone Vietnam drama with Charlie Sheen, Tom Berenger, Willem Dafoe, and Forest Whitaker.  I have seen a LOT of war movies, many of them featuring gore and violence and uncomfortable, morally ambiguous situations.  I’ve never had to look away in utter disgust at any of them.  And then Platoon happened.  This movie gave me nightmares.  It made me feel physically ill.  Roger Ebert loves it, it won like a gojillion Academy Awards.  I don’t care.  There are other movies about Vietnam that deal with the same issues in a much less fucked up way.  Watch The Deer Hunter or Full Metal Jacket instead; they’re also violent and disturbing, but they didn’t make me want to vomit up my popcorn.

Bringing Up Baby:  1938 Howard Hawks with Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant.  “Screwball comedy” is not a genre I generally like.  This would be a key example of why.

Intolerance:  1916 silent film by D.W. Griffith, starring every actor ever.

Dear Mr. Griffith,

So, your career took a nosedive after you released the most racist movie in our culture's collective memory.  Inflicting Intolerance on us to make amends did not help my opinion of you.  I’d like those 27 hours of my life back.

Sincerely,

AJ

p.s. Inform Lillian Gish that she can take that cradle and stick it where the sun don’t shine. 

Blade Runner:  1982 Ridley Scott science fiction.  I KNOW, ok?  Everyone is supposed to love this movie and drool over every iteration released.  It was all right.  Just all right.  It was visually interesting.  I like Rutger Hauer, Harrison Ford (in that era), pre-plastic surgery Darryl Hannah, I’m 50/50 with Ridley Scott, and while Sean Young is totally crazytown I thought she did very well in this.  But all that adds up to is a mildly entertaining movie I’d just as soon catch on the SyFy channel and barely pay attention to while folding my laundry.  My dislike of it is directly proportional to how many times I’ve been told it’s the best sci-fi movie EVAR.  So stop pushing so hard, nerds.

Chinatown:  1974 Roman Polanski “neo-noir” with Jack Nicholson and Faye Dunaway.  Meh?  Just not my cup of tea.  I hated the ending, which is apparently what makes it so great.  Polanski and I don’t see eye to eye on a LOT of things.

Maltese Falcon:  1941 John Huston noir with Humphrey Bogart, Mary Astor, and Peter Lorre.  If you're going to delve into classic noir for the first time, don't start with this.  Practically turned me off the genre forever.  Watch Laura or The Big Sleep or Double Indemnity instead.  I love Bogey, but this just didn't do it for me.